You say that you want to write a book. That’s terrific! No kidding. I’m really happy for you. I am! Are you merely thinking about writing, or have you actually typed the first sentence? The first paragraph? The first page? First chapter? Whatever. It’s all good.

Here’s what I know about writing a book: It’s hard. Stephen King and Colleen Hoover make it look easy breezy because they’re as fertile as field mice. But for we ordinary layabouts, it’s no picnic in Central Park—unless you actually like your Central Park picnics swarming with scavenger pigeons and aggressive squirrels. To quote Dorothy Parker, “I hate writing, I love having written.” Yep! That’s me. And probably how you’ll feel too. The process can seem staggeringly unsurmountable at the beginning. And in the middle. And maybe right up to the very end. Every writer feels this way at some point. But they find a way to keep that terrifying beast at bay. Drugs and alcohol don’t really help much; they’re definitely not a remedy. However—the high you’ll experience when you finally type “The End” is as indescribably delicious as a wet kiss from Santa Claus. It makes striving to be a good boy or girl all year long so worth the sacrifices and effort! I promise!

So, here’s my best advice for how NOT to write your book:

First of all, don’t boast “I’m writing a book!” to anyone. As the Nike™ ads say, “Just do it.” Seriously. Talking about your WIP (work-in-progress) diminishes all the teensy-weensy invisible creative energy molecules that go into your sorcerer’s magical recipe. Plus, it’s nobody else’s darn business. This is your baby and birthing process. As excruciating as they may be, the labor pains can’t be shared with anyone else.

Also, sorry, but nobody really gives a flying fig if you write a book—or if you don’t write a book. They may say otherwise, but they’re lying. That’s the really and truly, honest-to-goodness, very sad and ugly reality. Your mother doesn’t care (although she’ll probably still love you). You’ll be lucky to get an insincere, “That’s lovely, dear.” And then she’ll never mention it again.

Bonus Pro Tip: 
Be sure to give your mother a signed copy of your published book. Include an arrogant grin that says, “How do you like them egg rolls, Mrs. Goldstone”?  
Caution: She may faint. 

Your friends will roll their eyes (maybe behind your back, but they’re rolling) and say, “You’ll have to self-publish” (I’ll see what works best for my book, thank you.). Your significant other will offer a distant, “Hmm. That’s nice. Don’t forget to mow the lawn.” The only exception to this universal law of nobody caring is if you’re actually under contract to write a book. In that case, your agent* cares, and your publisher cares. (Always honor your commitments, and don’t miss a deadline!) But trust me, nobody else cares. You have to go on this writing journey all by your onesies. This is a universal, no-getting-away-from-it cosmic truth. Even if you have a mentor or a writer’s group, you’re still basically alone in the woods, baby.

But that said, you’re also the only one who gets to take all the credit when you’re finished! No one else did this for you! (Although you might consider throwing a bone to your mother/friends/significant other/lovers/writers group/etc. and graciously write a dedication that says you couldn’t have done it without their patience, love, support, and respect. Even though you totally could have.)

Secondly, stop fixating on the whole daunting big picture. Staring at that blank screen like it’s your mortal enemy will crush your spirit faster than you can say “writer’s block.” All your doubts will rush in like uninvited guests to the pity party of your already fragile Life Force. You’ll be stuck there, day after day, like a kid in time-out who refused to eat their peas, desperately trying to squeeze out a minimum of 80,000 words (that’s about 250 double-spaced pages, but who’s counting?). And those words? Oh, they only need to create unforgettable characters, witty dialogue, a gripping plot, in a voice that’s uniquely, unapologetically yours. No big deal, right? So, don’t even think about that long, muddy, pothole-riddled road ahead. Trust me, it’ll have you Googling “out-patient lobotomies and where to get one.” And for the love of all things caffeinated, don’t dwell on the fact that it’ll probably take 6 months to a year (if the writing gods smile on you) just to get a first draft that doesn’t make you cringe.

Best advice ever been given to me:

Years ago, I was venting to a very wise friend, telling her I was too busy with my career, a tough relationship, and social commitments to write the book I kept saying I wanted to write. She cut me off and clobbered me with tough love: “Mr. Jordan! Everyone has 24 hours in a day! Carve out the time!”

The next morning, and ever after, I got up 5:00 and went to work on my book.

Thirdly, under no circumstances should you show your WIP to anyone who isn’t a writer (that’s what writing groups and therapy sessions are for). Yes, we all crave validation—someone to stroke our egos and tell us how our writing is basically Shakespeare-meets-J.K. Rowling, while also reminding us how disturbingly sexy we are. Maybe even toss in some of that warm fuzzy attention mom or dad never quite mastered. But do not fall into that trap! Think of your WIP like the steamy affair you’re secretly having with the hot mechanic down at the garage. You don’t brag about how many times you’ve hooked up or give everyone the play-by-play. That’s just tacky.

Letting others judge your work while it’s still an undercooked embryo is a recipe for disaster. Your family and friends (and yeah, even that hot mechanic) will have plenty of unsolicited opinions later—after the book is published. Trust me, non-writers have zero clues about the creative process. They’ll either gush over it to the point of nausea or say something like, “It’s good, but have you thought about making it, I don’t know… different?” Cue your emotional meltdown. Even other writers can have dangerous opinions. You’ve got to protect yourself and your fragile WIP like it’s a newborn covered in glitter. Not everyone’s going to understand your genius—and that’s okay. Just save the request for feedback until you’ve got something that you’re already pretty proud of.

Depressed yet? Good. Now, shake it off. Seriously, if you want to write a book, you’ll write a book. I have absolute faith in your ability to torture yourself. And just when you think you’ve finally finished that masterpiece—HA! You’re still a few soul-crushing rewrites away from even thinking about querying an agent.

(*Querying agents? Yeah, that’s a whole different level of nightmare. A Stranger Things marathon. Diving into a black hole of rejection emails, vague—or no—feedback, and the endless purgatory of waiting. I’ll save that horror story for another time—after you’ve emotionally recovered from this pep talk.)

In summation, writing your book will be a rollercoaster. You will love it with the fiery passion of a thousand suns—and you will hate it like you hate changing diapers at 3 a.m. You will want to quit. Repeatedly. You will convince yourself that no human alive would willingly read this dumpster fire of a manuscript. You may cry (oceans, not rivers). You may have one, two, or three spectacular mental breakdowns—think Shirley MacLaine in Terms of Endearment levels of drama.

Your social life? Kiss it mostly bye-bye. Friends will grow weary of your “Sorry, can’t make it, I’m working” texts and start referring to you as their “reclusive writer friend.” You, in turn, will maybe hate them for their carefree beach days and Instagram-worthy brunches, while you sit at home hunched over a Word document titled “(INSERT BOOK TITLE HERE),” wondering if you’re still technically a person or just a collection of coffee-fueled ideas in human form.

To Do List:

1. Shhh! It’s nobody’s business but yours!
2. You’re the only one who cares.
3. Throw a bone to Mama.
4. Ignore the big picture.
5. Someone has to be on the Bestsellers lists! It should be you!
6. 24 hours in every day!

But here’s the good part: That’s all part of the process. The doubts, the meltdowns, the endless revisions—they’re the battle scars of creating something that’s uniquely yours. Every writer goes through this chaotic dance. And if you stick with it, if you push through the self-doubt and the “Why am I doing this to myself?” moments, you’ll come out the other side with something incredible. You’ll be the one lounging at the beach with friends and a finished manuscript in your bag. So yeah, boo-hoo for now. But future-you? Future-you is a freaking rockstar!

So, hang in there. Remember, even King and Hoover started out exactly where you are—faced with a blank page, wondering if they should’ve become Amazon delivery drivers instead. They eventually replaced other authors on the bestseller lists, so why can’t you bump them off? Someone will do that! It’s inevitable.

Trust me, there’s nothing quite like finishing a book—except maybe that kiss from Santa or surviving that picnic in Central Park without being mugged by a squirrel. But seriously, when you finally type “The End,” you’ll feel like the superhero you really are! So, keep going. Your bestseller moment is waiting.

And, to anyone who makes it all the way to typing “The End,” I say: BRAVO! BRAVA! You deserve a standing ovation, a parade, and probably your own national holiday. You are nothing short of a LITERARY GOD/GODDESS in my eyes! The world needs your book, and I personally can’t wait to read it. I want you to keep going! Finish writing your book and let the rest of us bask in the glow of your brilliance! Let me know how it’s going. I want to be one of your fans!

RICHARD TYLER JORDAN is a novelist and nonfiction writer. His books include the cozy mysteries A Corpse in the Castle, Remains to be Scene, Final Curtain, A Talent for Murder, Set Sail for Murder, and the Christmas novella Naughty or Nice. His LGBTQ+ titles include the romcom/mystery Breakfast at Timothy’s, as well as Overnight Sensation, Strangers in the Night, Gay Blades (which was #1 on the InsightOut Book Club Bestsellers List), and One Night Stand. He has also contributed novellas to the anthologies Summer Share and All I Want for Christmas (both of which earned Lambda Literary Award nominations) and Man of My Dreams. Jordan is also the author of But Darling, I’m Your Auntie Mame, a history of the fictional icon Auntie Mame created by Patrick Dennis. As a senior publicist and staff writer with The Walt Disney Studios for thirty years, Jordan worked on the marketing campaigns of over 500 live-action and animated feature films. Now an expat from America, Richard lives in England in a cozy 16th-century cottage (with his husband and an amiable ghost).

You can find him at his website and on BookBub!

His latest release with OHB is Shadows at Midnight, the next in his Polly Pepper Mysteries:

House guests and fish are best enjoyed fresh; after a few days, it’s time to chuck them out. Iconic TV star Polly Pepper learns this the hard way when Lester Lynch, the grumpy costume designer from her classic variety show, barges into Thistlethorne Lodge-the English castle she inherited from a fan-to write his juicy Hollywood tell-all memoir. Armed with a pen sharper than his fashion sense, Lester’s unwelcome stay turns Polly’s life upside down as his manuscript reveals scathing secrets about her and all her movie star friends. Just when Polly’s patience reaches its limit, a stormy night brings a shocking twist: Lester is found dead behind a secret panel in the castle’s library. It appears someone had a buried past they couldn’t risk Lester unearthing.

Chaos ensues, and Polly is once again forced to become an amateur sleuth. With old grudges and celebrity gossip swirling like whispers at a Hollywood dinner party, she dives into the murky waters of hidden motives. Can Polly unmask the killer before they strike again? And can she survive the sinister secrets that lie in wait?